Waiting at the bus stop

26 02 2011

I’m just going to write.

For the most part I do ok, I bury myself in the internet, which I’m good at, but I do it because I’m very sad inside, and I’m continually on the search for an escape route.

I use the bus stop as a metaphor, the bus comes, people get on, and they change or they vanish, they move into a new home, or get some new exciting job, or fall in love, or die.

I never get on the bus, it comes and goes with regularity, I want to go, so badly.

When I had the cancer, I got my ticket, it wsn’t the best ticket I could have had, but at least it was a ticket… and I gave it up.

And often I ask myself why.

Having survived, which I did for Mum and Myself, but mostly for her… It was one year later that I lost her anyway, Mum and I got on so well, and being without her breaks my heart.

I did give Katie a life, without me, all she would have got was the needle, she’s had six years more, and that is something I don’t regret.

I have lost a part of my hearing, I loved music, and since this accident I have been quite depressed… music no longer tickles my ears, I have memories of music that I loved, but I mostly enjoy it in my head, sound is not nice anymore.

And now, if you’ll permit, the strange bit.

You see, this “furry” thing is quite serious with me, I took a survey on this recently and one question was “Do you feel like an animal trapped in a human body” Well yes, yes I do.

And this my friends is not somehing I felt after seeing some “weirdo” talk about their odd furry companions… this is how some people feel anyway.

I was feeling like this as far back as the 80’s, and we didn’t have internet then.

I’d like to fall in love, I would *love* to fall in love, but you understand… there’s nobody, there’s just me.

It’s like the earth coughed out another species and that was me, and there’s nobody else.

I don’t do relationships because I feel so awkward because of this, I so so desperately want to be loved, but there’s this, here, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It’s not like I see someone about it in an effort to be cured, unless homosexuals can be cured, unless transexuals can be cured.

And understand that this is not about my sexuality, this bit, it’s about my inner-being, the part which is more ME than anything else.

My heart goes out to the Gay community and so forth, because I know how it aches,
but… I don’t know how to deal with it.

What am I? Where do I fit in? Why am I stuck here like this?

The pain I have inside is just dreadful, I often feel I’m not wanted, I really try so hard to be wanted.

I want Mum and Dad back, I can’t tell you how much I miss them.

When someone gets on the bus, sometimes I’m happy for them, other times, when things go wrong, it’s awful.

Sometimes I’m just a tiny bit envious.

I’m a little scared of writing this, this is about me, not you, I know some of you are hurting too… I was once in a chat room, many years ago, talking to someone who was depressed, in much the same way I am now… the next day I found they had taken their life.

So don’t take this on board if you’re sad, I’m just having a downer, tomorrow life will go on as usual and I’ll be here.