Boobs and Dicks

16 06 2015

Sex has fascinated me from a very young age.

When I was a kid, growing up in the 70’s, boobs were everywhere, they were in movies, tv shows, newspapers too. My Dad was a delivery man who delivered conveyor belts for local factory, and whenever I walked into an office, I was often confronted with women with huge norgs staring back at me.

I think because of that, because nothing was hidden, boobs were just normal.
So when I saw Women breast feeding, well, that’s what breasts were for.

But now we have a society where breasts are hidden from view and highly sexualised, their display has devolved into an ugly taboo, which has made things worse for everyone, especially Mothers with Babies.

So with this rational view of breasts that I had, I suppose they didn’t titillate me, as much as other blokes, so I had to find other options.

Where were the vaginas? and where were… where were Men?

Not that I could ask at the time, or I’d invoke the “What are Ya, a poofta?”

I really wanted to know more about My bits being an owner and potential operator of those parts.

Once, at Sex Education, I asked the teacher about male bits, and was brushed off with “It’s all too simple”, Well that’s fine, but I haven’t got a womb, I won’t be menstruating… and probably won’t be breeding. (a lot of factors there, marriage never appealed to me, I sadly heard a lot of domestic rows over the years)

Years later, I began to hear Men talking about their parts, and how they thought everything functioned. Their explanations were often colourful, fantastical and wrong.

Balls were some kind of bladder which fill up with cum and everything shoots out from there, um… no.

There’s a sort of bladder between your legs where it’s all stored up… no.

Perhaps they were as frustrated as I was, perhaps they wanted to know too?

So I began to read various items on male equipment to try and get a truthful handle on how it all works, even now I’m not completely sure if I’ve got it right, but I can research thanks to the wonders of the Internet.

So my understanding, and if I’m wrong, please correct me, goes a bit like this.

Men tend to imagine that Semen or Cum, is a singular fluid, like urine, it’s an easy assumption, but wrong.

In fact, it’s more like a milkshake, in which you add milk, flavouring, ice-cream, and shake like mad.

What we call pre-cum comes from two little glands not far from the base of the penis, called the Bulbourethral glands or Cowper’s glands, they are about pea sized.
Pre-ejaculate appears on the head of the penis after an erection or two, and looks like clear fluid which is slightly viscous (thick) like honey.

The fluid acts as a lube, making everything just a bit more comfortable during sex, isn’t nature clever?

Other species have the same glands, but some animals have much larger ones and the fluid is much more copious.

Early on, Catholics suggested a thing where you get off the train before it pulls into the last station… or pulling out before ejaculation. The trouble with that is that sperm are everywhere, EVERWHERE! (Well almost) While born in the testicles, sperm tend to swim off to any old place once they’re out. so lots of babies were born as a result of the mis-conception (see what I did there?) that sperm were only released after ejaculation.

Did you know a thousand sperm cells can fit on the head of a pin? It’s true. Sperm cells are the tiniest cell that the body produces. The egg is the largest.

Then further along, but right next to the Cowper’s gland is the Prostate.

This is one part of our anatomy that many Men have heard of, but are not always sure of what it is, or does.

When My Dad developed Prostate trouble, and needed to have it checked, there was some confusion. Both Parents had heard of it, but didn’t understand what it was for.

I think Gay men would be far more familiar with it than most straight Men, and that’s a shame. It has been called the male g-spot, and many new types of vibrators have been developed to help stimulate it. And no, you don’t have to be gay to get a vibe.

The Prostate acts as a junction, keeping urine and semen separate.

The Prostate itself is rather like a horn on a bike, when you squeeze the rubber ball, the horn honks, and when you ejaculate, you’re honking your horn, but instead of air coming out with a loud honk, which would be weird and inconvenient (“Dora, It seems our Son has finally discovered himself”) a fluid comes out.

You may have realised that ejaculation is like a sneeze, sniffing a cloud of pepper while cooking irritates your nose and your body reacts by sneezing. It’s not something that you can just do whenever you like, your nose must be stimulated to get there, and the penis also needs stimulation before you can ejaculate.

Although a very realistic dream will have a similar effect.

Behind the Prostate are the two Seminal Vesicles, and this is where the “Ice-Cream” is produced and stored if you’re using the milkshake analogy.

During ejaculation, it is released into the prostate, is mixed with the other fluids and pumped out.

It is thought that the white, sticky fluid de-acidifies the vagina, which helps the sperm survive, and also blocks the vagina up, so that a second male would have a more difficult time getting the Woman Pregnant… something that may be of less importance now, but was a big thing during caveman days.

It is also thought that one reason the penis has evolved into the shape it is, is to squeegee fluid from the vagina that the first caveman has left behind.

Ahh the good old days.

Behind the Seminal Vesicles is the Vas Deferens, a couple of tubes which lead to the testicles, and are often full of sperm.

These are cut and tied during a vasectomy, a quick operation to prevent Fatherhood.

As you can probably tell from my description so far, the other parts of the anatomy are before this point, so if you were to have a vasectomy, it would only stop a small amount of fluid, containing your sperm, from being released, you still have all the rest of the milkshake, and shouldn’t notice any difference in your ejaculation.

When you ejaculate, muscles along the Vas Deferens, squeeze and propel the sperm upwards, could it be the flavoring of our milkshake? there’s not much of it, but it is important.

Next is the Epididymus, a tube which is very narrow and coiled up on the side of each testicle. Stretched out fully, it could be up to seven meters long, and is where young sperm, born in the testicles, grow up. I suppose you could think of it like kids entering kindergarten, and entering the vas deferens after high-school.

Then our Testicles.

These are not bladders, but quite meaty, if you were to cut one open, don’t, you will find that they are very solid on the inside.

If you’ve prepared Bulls testicles for dinner, you would most likely have seen what they look like, but you’d be braver than me, I’ll pass.

The testicles produce both sperm and the male hormone, testosterone, which makes us all macho and hairy.

One mystery remains, what gives us that sense of fullness that we feel when we have a lot of semen?

We tend to think we feel it in our testicles, every few days, is it the Epididymus?, The Vas Deferens?, or the Seminal Vesicles?. Perhaps it’s all three. Does the feeling of “being horny” come from this fullness, or does feeling horny produce more semen?

An emotional trigger is likely, much like how we drool if we think of sucking a lemon, give it a try now.

My Mother, who grew up with family who were in the Salvation Army, said that kids would suck lemons in front of a Salvation Army band… causing them to drool and falter while playing their music.

It’s no wonder I turned out the way I did.

In Sex Education we are told that semen will just be re-absorbed if we don’t use it, and while that might be true in theory, most of us know that if we don’t ejaculate within three days (usually) we’re “climbing the walls” as any teenage boy will know who has attempted to hold on for a week… we’ve all tried that one.

Also, here’s an odd thing about the penis, all animals have different styles of penis, which do much the same job, but have evolved in very different ways. Most animals have a bone in their penis, dogs and racoons have bones, but horses and humans lack them, It’s probably a good thing, as bones can, and do break… However a Man can snap his penis when erect, so proceed carefully.

I hope I’ve cleared a few things up, and perhaps busted a few myths.

Wolfie Rankin.





Uncomfortably Numb

3 04 2013

A lot of you have experienced a limb falling asleep, because you’ve been laying in an awkward position, and I’ve had it happen to me many times.

Usually it doesn’t last, but I’ve had a few where I thought my arm would never function again and hang at my side like dead meat for the rest of my life… In fact Cold Chisel had a song about this, called “Saturday night palsy”, where people come home drunk and lay in one position for hours, which causes the problem.

Now I don’t drink, so I’ve never experienced that but years ago, I was sprawled at the end of Mums bed, watching telly with her, which is something we often did, when I got up and felt something really weird.

I cringed and said, “Mum… I think my penis has gone to sleep”.

“Has it?” she replied and her whole face contorted as she began to laugh at my expense.

This had never happened to me before, it felt awful, and sort of detached from the rest of me, but this didn’t last long, as the numbness was quickly replaced by tingling.

Now a tingling penis may sound lovely to some, but I can tell you, it’s not… it’s the kind of violent tingling you get when you hit your elbow on the tap in the shower recess, My dick was screaming “Don’t Touch Me!”

Yes I may be exaggerating a bit, it wasn’t that painful, but it wasn’t exactly nice either.

I only remembered this because it happened today and I tried to examine the cause.

I was wearing Bonds athletic underwear, you know the kind where you can slide your hand into the flap, and “cop a feel” if you’re inclined?

Well I think part of it, my penis, was poking out of there and had bent a bit, and thus numbed a nerve.

Now while we’re talking about penile nerves, a friend of mine told me an interesting story, which I couldn’t verify, as we kind of lost touch, which happens sometimes.

My friend was getting older, as we all are, and he had a bucket list of things he wanted to try before he either got too old or karked it.

One was to see a Lady of the night, which he said he’d never done before.

So He did this, and reported back.

He said that while He was with Her, She asked him if He knew about the nerve in his penis, the one that makes a Man ejaculate when it’s pressed on.

He thought she was joking, When you’re in your 40’s or older, you know just about everything about your penis.

Anyway, she proved her point by pressing on this nerve, and he ejaculated, just like that… She apparently did is again when he was soft, and surprised the life out of him by having him come once more.

If anyone knows more about this, let me know.

But anyway, there’s two things you probably haven’t heard of before.

Wolfie!





Sex Museum

27 03 2013

I just went to someone elses blog, where they had a story on a sex museum, which was basically pre-historic dildos and fleshlights.

The writer seemed to suggest that he felt it was a bit shocking, fair enough, but I’ve personally never been bothered with sex, and have never understood why naked bodies or a bare nipple offends anyone.

I have a list of things which offend me far more… Cancer, Tony Abbott, Nuclear Energy, Rupert Murdoch, War, Torture, Climate Change, Animal Cruelty and many other things besides, but sex, nah.

Years ago I knew someone who had Percheron horses, these horses, not surprisingly, had huge penises. and what he did was work out a way to take a mould from the penis, and then make a dildo out of that.

The local sex shop was interested in these and he managed to sell quite a few.

He once joked that he would make a couple of brass ones to put at the end of his stairs.

It’s all harmless stuff.

Wolfie!





All about the Cock.

11 10 2012

The word “Penis” is a bit crap, it sounds stupid, and I think most of us males tend to avoid the term.

“Cock” is a far better word, and according to the dictionary, probably quite acceptable, although not, as yet, an official description… it’s still considered slang, and vulgar slang at that, I don’t think it should be… but I’ll get to that later.

The dictionary says that a cock is a small spout for water, and when you think of it, that’s a very good description of it.

“Cock” is also a word used to describe a male, generally a bird, although it has been used to describe a Stallion, and here is a fine example of that:

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music wherever she goes


Now, about the slang.

You may know that it wasn’t all that long ago that people refrained from saying “Fart” as it tended to be a vulgar term, but over the last thirty years or so, it has become a standard term for stomach gas, or the act of expelling it. I have heard doctors talk about farting, generally not their own farting, usually someone elses.

But it’s a good word, don’t you agree?

The word *sounds* right, for what it represents, ones anus can almost pronounce the word on it’s own at times.

So these days it’s more acceptable to say “When I fart”, rather than “When I produce wind”.

I think “Cock” should definitely go the same way.

Words do have a habit of being born as slang, or as vulgar, then turning into a “normal” word over the years, and words ca also go the other way.

Using “Tart” to describe a Woman, was once a lovely term, suggesting that a Woman was sweet, like a tart (jam tart or small cake)… But has since taken on quite an unpleasant meaning.

I think that words, used more frequently lose “power” over the years, and those hidden away in closets tend to become worse. Harry Potter fans would be familiar with “He who shall not be named” which is what people called Voldemort, and this habit caused people to fear Voldemort even more… While of course Harry simply called Voldemort by his name.

Cancer was similar to that, People many years ago feared it and wouldn’t discuss it with others, it was as though the person with cancer had done something shameful. Of course having cancer is bad enough, without asocial stigma on top of it. Thankfully people talk about cancer these days, which helps everyone deal with it.

I also feel the “N-Word” needs to be said, in order to remove its power, but you note that I didn’t write it, because some of you would be offended… but note this, you still heard it in your mind, didn’t you?

What is the point of writing F***? You heard that in your mind too, right? (although I really thought “Fish” when I typed it).

There’s a word whose vulgarity will probably fail soon too, in fact it’s used so much these days, it makes me wonder why people are still upset about it.

Oh yes, we have to consider context too, naturally.

But getting back to my argument, I think we should embrace “Cock” as a perfectly normal, correct word.

* The bit about the Fish was a dreadful lie, Sorry.

And a link to that poem about the lady going to Banbury, because it’s interesting.
Wolfie!





Circumcision

8 05 2012

It’s a strange thing, you have parents who won’t allow a piercing or a tattoo, but will happily circumcise their child without question.

I was lucky, I had escaped it, but only just.

My Mother had two very difficult births, The first one Eighteen years before me, My Sister. And I appeared in the mid 60s when Mum was in her 40s and thought her child bearing days were over.

In those days they used Ether on patients in hospitals, and it was apparently pretty terrible stuff… it smelt awful, it almost put the surgical staff to sleep too and waking up later took a long time and the room would spin.

The smell would also waft out of surgery and along the ward, making patients feel dreadful.

Forceps were used to pull me out, probably because I’d heard something about how awful the World was. Poor Mum was on Ether.

I emerged and Mum woke to a spinning room and thought she heard a nurse tell her that she had a boy.

Later, when She was more “with it” her Doctor walked in and said “You’ve got a Boy, And He’s a dear little chap”… She made a sound like “urghhh” Because the one thing she didn’t fancy, was a boy.

Mum told me this on each and every Birthday, so I know it by heart.

I was placed in a humidi-crib which were a fairly recent invention at the time (An Australian Invention too), I don’t think I was an early baby, I think I was put there because of the trauma Mum and I had just been through.

Dad and My Sister, Janice… Were the first to see me, and apparently I was still covered in yuck which had to be cleaned off.

When Mum had regained her colour and was ready to go home, Dad popped the question.

“Has He been… you know…. done?”

Mum thought about it for a moment, and that’s all it took, All she wanted was to be home… She told Dad a fib.

“Yes”

There’s more to the story, but be aware that my Father took an active role in washing me, and also my Sisters kids… which were born not that many years after me, so everyone thought they were simply my younger Brother and Sister.

Now go forward about eighteen years.

Something about circumcision came up, and the word got out that I hadn’t been, you know… done.

Dads jaw dropped, and He asked me “Haven’t you?… You dirty thing” (Yes, myth number one, that the foreskin is somehow dirty… probably originated in the days when men took a monthly bath, or even a yearly one… but these days when it’s easy to shower twice a day, well… )

I’m really not sure if he was joking or not, you could never quite tell with Dad.

Anyway, that was a long story… and I only wanted to say something fairly short.

People talk about cutting the foreskin off or leaving it on, but they rarely ever say what the foreskin IS, except to assume that it’s just a bit of rubbish skin which nobody needs.

Women (who ought to know better, as they populate magazines with how holy their own bodies are) and Men who are cut and have no idea, don’t really know what a foreskin is, or what it’s like to have one.

And it’s dead simple, because you have two bits of skin with you right now which is exactly the same.

Your eye lids.

Go on, give them a feel, sensitive little buggers aren’t they?

See how they’re different underneath, same as the foreskin, except of course the foreskin doesn’t have lashes… how odd would that be?

Imagine not having them, that’d be nasty, right?

Think about it.

Wolfie!





Toilets, We’re doing it wrong.

7 03 2012

Toilets are badly designed.

At least from a Mans perspective, Like a dog, a Man was made to pee on trees, not squat on the ground.

So your standard toilet WILL cause splashing, which will annoy women, on top of the old argument about  how the seat should be positioned.

The standard toilet also wastes lots of water.

Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think we should have something for the males to use when we go to the toilet.

And I think it should look like this.

A small bowl on the wall, at about penis height, it’s a bit larger than a coffee cup, and we can stand and put the end of our penis into this and pee, comfortably, without causing a mess.

When it flushes, it uses about a cup of water to do so.

Because it’s just pee and water, then the fluid could be piped out to the citrus trees in the garden, rather than go down the sewer where it’s wasted. 

and the trees would love it.

The unit would be quick and easy to clean.

I’ve had this idea for many years, some think it’s a joke but I feel it’s entirely practical.

I feel that blokes and standard toilets just don’t go together well at all, unless we’re sitting…

Either we change, and stop the stupid Woman Vs Man arguments now, or engineer a proper toilet for the fellas which is clean, at the proper height, uses less water per flush and is good for the environment.

 

Wolfie

 





Foreskin

8 01 2012

To those who have sadly lost it, who are straight, and to those of the opposite sex who have only known circumcised Men, The foreskin is this mysterious thing which people don’t tend to talk about much.

I discovered that I almost got the snip as a baby, but narrowly avoided it.

I was a terrible birth, and so was My Sister, Eighteen years earlier… Yes, Eighteen!

Late in the year, in the spring of 1965, Mum went into labour, and back in those days if you needed sedation, it was ether, a nasty chemical which made patients, and staff, sick.

So I was pulled out gently with forceps and Mum spent hours in recovery, feeling completely rotten, and when the room stopped spinning and she felt better, all She wanted was to get home to her own bed.

A story She told me on each and every birthday.

Apparently when She was about to leave for home, Dad piped up with “Has he been… done?” Mum lied and said yes, anything to get home, She didn’t want to be in the hospital a minute longer.

The funny thing was that apparently Dad was none the wiser, even when He bathed Me, which He took a certain pride in doing.

He’d scrub the devil out of us, it was no gentle rinse over with a sponge, but we were certainly clean.

Years later when I was about sixteen or so, either My Mum or Sister made a comment about circumcision, to the effect that I was still intact.

Dad turned to Me and asked quite seriously “Haven’t you been done?”

I was quite surprised.

I’d heard all the old arguments for getting it done, such as “Well it’s a hot country”. I sat and thought about this one and realised that it goes back to colonial days when it’s likely a lot of our ancestors may not have had a bath for weeks, but now once a day is quite normal.

It’s not hard to wash under the foreskin, I don’t see what the fuss is… We actually spend a lot more time, and money, brushing our teeth, but we don’t pull those out because “they might go bad”.

The mythology about the foreskin says “It’s just a bit of skin” so therefore, cutting it off isn’t going to hurt anything. But as an owner, I can tell your that it’s every bit the same, no really, the same as your eyelids… but without lashes.

If you run a finger over your eyelids, you’ll get almost an identical sensation to what you’d get on a foreskin, if you had one, it’s very sensitive.

And now a secret for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, I’m sure all us us with foreskin have done this at some time in our lives, just like all men have tucked their manhood between their legs and pretended they had a vagina.

If you grab your foreskin betwixt two or three fingers and seal it shut, then start to pee, the foreskin fills up, like a little balloon… well ok, no, it doesn’t stretch much, but it fills up… then we let it go and the pee goes WHOOSH down into the toilet.

Then we generally have a little smile to ourselves.

I don’t think you’ll read about this little joy anywhere online, so remember to thank me, won’t you?

Wolfie!