Finding Myself

11 06 2012

A friend once asked me that if I don’t believe in a soul, then what about Wolfie?

It was a valid question but at the time  it stumped me, which was annoying because I didn’t want to be stumped by a religious person.

But I’ve been thinking about it lately, and these are my thoughts.

Wolfie “came to me” as a teenager… He seemed like a spirit guide, He did help me with a few things, it was all very subtle. I wanted to know things, Who was Wolfie?, Why was Wolfie? What’s it all about?

This partially ushered in my New Age, Crystal wearing, Hippy days of the 90’s, but I think, like, I always, like, would’ve gone in that direction, man (Just taking the piss).

I tried to connect with something, so that I could say that Wolfie was “this”… whatever “this” was, and perhaps to find more about Him, about Me… Us.

When I first got online in the 90’s, Usenet Newsgroups and IRC were the big thing… Facebook wasn’t even an electronic sperm in it’s dads twinkling eye.

But I found the Alt groups, it was here that you could talk about anything… there was no spam then, and everyone was well behaved, Newsgroups were cool.

Usenet Newsgroups were the Yahoo groups of the day, and were used by all and sundry, but mostly by geeks… since they were mostly the ones who used the internet back then.

I found alt.horror.werewolves which began as a place to discuss werewolf books and films, but then a few people began turning up saying “I feel like one myself”.

By the time I got to AHWW it was all about the inner wolf, and when I read posts by these people, I could see they were having a similar experience to me… which was interesting, why were we, collectively, feeling something other than human inside us?

I grew very fond of these people, and I also began to feel that perhaps Native American spirituality had some answers, so I tinkered with that… and although it was nice, I don’t feel like I got any answers.

A well known author dropped in one day to ask us Weres (Not all of us were Wolves) *See what I did there?* what we thought of his book, and well… We weren’t very happy about it, so I think the poor guy left in tears… although I hope not, but talk about critical. I have read the book myself, it wasn’t bad “Moondance” S. P. Somtow

Anyway I would log in though and talk to all these people daily, in much the same way that we all use Social Networks now, but then someone invented spam… and although our group wasn’t suffering from it at first, eventually the amount of spam made Usenet Newsgroups pointless.

There was an IRC group which was run by the same people, it suffered too and eventually we all went our own ways.

Interestingly though, for those who knew me on Second Life, the gold werewolf avatar I had was made by one of the old AHWW folks, who used to log into IRC as Pinky.

Anyway, I’ve re evaluated Wolfie, and don’t think He’s a spiritual thing, but more of a lost part of my personality which always would have been there had it not been for the actions of high school bullies who tried to extinguish it’s glow.

But now it’s grown and bloomed, and I’m not afraid to show this part of myself off to anyone, why should I be, when it functions so beautifully, helping me to find such wonderful love and friendship, as I have done.

And do I really need to classify Wolfie like a butterfly pinned to a board?

No, I don’t think so, I still can’t decide if I’m gay or straight or bi or whatever, so why should I classify my personality?

“All is Zen”