Shameless Fashion

13 11 2013

I usually write my own stuff, but this was great.

Copied from Jacqueline Chambers Zakharia

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like a 6 week old ‘Shitalier’ puppy.
Preferably from the internet or a pet shop.

I want it to cost a minimum of $3,000 because as you know they are a ‘designer breed’ and are very exclusive.

This pup is to have a myriad of health issues including hip and eye problems and a good old fashioned grade four heart murmur.

Since you are reading this I would like to let you know what I want next year…. I would like you to take back that pup as I may be moving, having a baby or any other excuse I can think of except the truth that it is no longer cute anymore.

Please give it to a rescue group so they can do all it’s vet work and fix all it’s problems and pass it on to someone else to adopt it and deal with it.

Oh yes , and put me down for a Groodle, Pocket Rottweiler, Pomsky pup for next year …actually anything with the word ‘Doodle’ in it will suffice..don’t care which one it is so long as it is fashionable…

Many thanks Santa

How Atheists see Religion

17 12 2011

It’s a bit, no… a lot like this.

“The one true creator is Santa Claus”

“To Hell with your Santa Claus, it was Father Christmas who made everything”

“If You Follow Santa Claus you’ll live forever in His Kingdom”

“The Noble Grandfather Frost will take you into his castle if you are a worthy warrior”

“Seven virgin elves to those who follow Papai Noel after their death”

“Reincarnation will be the gift to those who cherish Babbo Natale”

I think you get the idea,

Merry Christmas and may there be many presents upon you, or at least, under your tree.


Night Before Christmas in Aussie land

24 12 2010

‘Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn’t a sound.

Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We’d left on the table some tucker and beer,

Hoping that Father Christmas soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced ’round in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,

snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,

But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty ‘roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,

And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I’m telling the truth it’s all dinki-di,

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Chris leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

And encouraged the ‘roos, by calling their names.

‘Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!

On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,

I’ll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!’

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,

With the Ute full of toys, and Old Chris too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,

Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.

A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,

And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes – bright as opals – Oh! How they twinkled!

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly

Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,

And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,

To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and foot-ball shapes for us two.

And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,

Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his ‘roos came on cue;

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!’

Via Toby Flander (Slightly adjusted to make it True Blue)

Just a little post about Christmas

17 12 2010

Despite being a Hitler worshiping, Baby eating Atheist, I still like Christmas.

It’s not the same as it used to be, a real family occasion, with Mum and Dad and a quick visit from Jan, We’d exchange gifts and then fill the day with some other activity, which could have been going to my sisters for Christmas dinner… which usually featured a roast, It’s summer here in Australia so there was usually pork in the Webber outside.

I caught myself typing “Porn” just then, probably out of habit.

But there were “Family issues” so we started going to the local pub, and that was fine, there was just the three of us and we didn’t want much.

Then Dad passed away, and left just Mum, Benny and I. Benny was our loveable Malamute.

My Cousin asked us if we’d like to spend the day with them, and we accepted, and that is still the current state of play despite My Mother having died a few years back.

I love my Cousin, but I do feel a huge fish out of water there, they’re all madly into Football, and despite it being the middle of Summer, the talk is always about Footscray. Last year Yvonne got a large, framed photo of someone which looked like it had been photoshopped to look like an oil painting, I have no idea who it was.

If anything is knitted, you can bet it’ll come in three colours, yes THOSE colours.

I never liked Footy, It always seemed to me that it was about a bunch of Men trying really hard to prove that they were Heterosexual, possibly too hard.

This year, for the very first time, I have a mobile phone which I can tweet on, so yes, you can bet that there will be tweets and photos from there.

I do feel a bit sad when I’m there though, Katie is at home and misses me, and I’ll miss her… I always hated being away from my dogs. My parents used to take me on a lot of interstate trips, which I loved, but I hated leaving my animals behind.

It’s the 17th of December, and I have not sent a single card away, I had intended to, but I feel it’s too late for my Overseas friends, anyway.

Years ago I had a bit more Money to play with, and I loved buying Aussie things and sending them to my friends, I loved having the opportunity to be generous. but things changed.

After Mum died, every cent went on food and bills and things, when Before, Mum took care of most of it, She insisted. So I’d pay the Phone and Internet bills, and any Vet bills, while She bought the food and payed for the rest.

I had assumed that at some point, I would have had a job and not been in such a hole, perhaps I could have sent Mum a share of what I bought in, but it didn’t work out that way.

This year I have decided to be less generous, and focus on what I need. Some things around the house need fixing, My Bathroom is a shocker, My Bed is being held up by phonebooks, and I need lots of new clothes.

So I intend to send people cards, I think I have left it too late though.

Christmas is not what it used to be, I was thinking of giving it a miss this year, but I still put the tree up for Katie and I.

Compared with others, I have a bed and a roof over my head, it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.