Winding down

12 11 2017

I feel that time is running low, that my energy is less abundant than it used to be, and that life is becoming harder to sustain.

My bed is my keeper, I’m here most of the day. I mostly rest and sometimes sleep. I keep in touch via my tablet and watch Netflix at night.

My home remains uncleaned although I make sure the laundry is done and I am washed.

The cats and dog are fed, but I mainly live on coffee and snacks, I might have a meal in the evening which comes out of the microwave.

I’m not sure if it’s my body or spirit, or both.

I cannot call myself depressed, but I am unhappy.

If I die, and it could happen, my only concern would be for my companions, I am disposable.

Any talk of me being “too young” at 52 is bollocks. I had a very good life compared to many, and a good family. I regret nothing.

I write this not because I may take a dive off the West Gate Bridge, but because it could happen, it nearly happened at 39.

I know I go through cycles where I consider mortality and then come out the other side again, but I’m tired and have had my fill.

If there is life after death as some say, and reincarnation as others say then my plan is to go up and out into space, not dally around here. 

Many of you have found a place where you fit, I never have, but I look up and know I have friends out there, it’s where I most want to be.

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One response

12 11 2017
cordannao

Have a fair understanding of where you’re coming from. The real problem with myself, is the lack of purpose. My animals also come first as I’m the only one who cares for their needs.
Major problem is caring for myself, as if I was important too.
Have always thought of myself as an ‘optimistic pessimist’, worrying about tomorrow and at the same time believing that tomorrow has to be better than today.
Truth is, that is what has kept me going.
It’s been worth it over the years, because I’ve met many wonderful animals of the human, furry/feathered or any other kind, who have made my life worth living.
The difficult part of life is, and has always been, caring about myself. How do we include ourselves in this never-ending, circle of life? Leaving the circle isn’t an option for me, because then I’d never know what may happen tomorrow. I’d never know who may be in need of my care or who may suffer if I’m not there.
That’s why I’m still here, because I care more about what tomorrow might bring. Goodness me, I may even start caring about myself. Wouldn’t that be the best tomorrow ever?
Your friend forever,
Coralie

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