Feeling Low

5 03 2016

I had struck up a conversation via YouTube comments about David Bowie.
A Woman in England, who was still upset over losing him.

I’m at a loss to explain it.

Grief is a weird thing, if writing about it or watching characters on TV dealing with it, it’s usually described as collapsing and crying.

But it’s not always like that.

As disease worsened in my dogs, I cried a lot, and more so after their loss.

With my Dad, who had prostate cancer which had spread, I cried mostly before he died, and simply felt numb afterwards.

With Mum, who I was closest to, I couldn’t feel anything much, I still haven’t let the grief out, I think it’s too big for me to grasp.

When it was my Sister, I think I simply felt exhausted.

I had felt things for people I didn’t know, but meant something to me, you might think I’ve been here before, grieving for musicians, but no.

John Candy, I grieved for him, because he was a comedian I loved, and yet there have been others, and there was no special feelings for those.

If it happens to Billy Connolly I’m going to take it pretty hard.

But this singer, Bowie, What was it about him that when he left I felt this enormous hole?

I wasn’t that big a fan of his, which might seem an odd statement from someone who claimed to be “haunted” by him (when alive).

I’ve told friends that unintended Bowie related things just sort of popped up in my life, as though a director was hiding easter eggs in their movie for fans to find, frame by frame once the DVD came out.

I wonder how many I haven’t noticed?

And I started collecting records again, and suddenly I have all this Bowie stuff, it wasn’t planned, it just sort of happened.

This Woman in England, who I hadn’t met before, describing the same kind of grief that we’d all felt recently, and many of us are still feeling.

That amazing tribute by Lorde was another trigger.

Life on Mars, what a bizarre song, it’s complete nonsense, and yet instead us mocking it, it elicits this emotion. I think I’ve worked it out. When you’re dreaming, daft things make perfect sense. While in the waking world the dream is laughed off as illogical. I think the song tapped into that vibe.

And Blackstar turning up at my home that morning, it could have been delayed or earlier, but it had to come that day.

I often think I dwell too much on grief, I’ve had my fill of it and would much rather be happy, perhaps I’ve just reached that age where people drop off the perch, it’s expected though unwanted.

I’m only trying to understand.

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