About Werewolves

28 04 2013

No, No, No, This stops, and it stops right now.

For years, you Humans have acted as though you know everything about us and some of you do, but most of you get your information from movies, and movies aren’t typically the place to go to become educated about things, right?

Werewolves, Us, We, Have been depicted wrongly and we don’t really mind, we enjoy a good movie as much as anyone, but someone really needs to straighten you out, because frankly you’ve been terribly misled.

So if you don’t mind, I’ll talk about Werewolves I know and love, and bits about myself.

Firstly, The way people get to be Werewolves is the same way they get to be English, or Japanese, or Spanish… Yes they become Naturalised! No! They’re born that way… All that stuff about biting, viruses or curses is utter rubbish.

Moonlight, doesn’t do anything but provide a lovely light that helps us see, it doesn’t change us, we do that whenever we like, and we don’t howl AT it, We howl TO each other, which makes more sense right? because the moon certainly doesn’t say hello back. The whole Full Moon thing was concocted for ye olde “The Wolfman” film, it’s nonsense.

The Change, so horribly painful, Cringe, scream and don’t forget to reach for the camera while doing it, good grief! Actually it feels bloody marvelous, We like to call it “The full body erection” because it feels practically the same, it’s even a bit of a problem for teenagers just like normal erections are.

When it first happened to me, I had no control over it, I stayed that way for days. I remained in the house while Mum and Dad tried to fend off awkward questions about where I was.

Movie Werewolves are always ugly, Why? We’re a beautiful species, We’re soft and fluffy and great for cuddling, I often look at myself in the mirror and think about how gorgeo… *coughs*…

Tails, We have them, Mine stops just at the back of my knees. I love my tail but tails and doors don’t mix, particularly on windy days so one has to remember to keep ones tail between ones legs… or lose it.

Nude male Werewolves in movies often don’t have the parts that males should come equipped with, which is downright weird, well it is… imagine going to the toilet and finding you had no penis… I’ve had dreams like that, it’s not pleasant.

Ripped clothing, What? Why? T-shirts cost a packet these days, I’ll strip before I change, thanks.

Epic feuds with Vampires, Well, to be honest, I’ve never met a Vampire or a Zombie, and neither has anyone else I know… but Aliens?, that’s another story.

Creeping around in Graveyards at midnight?, I’ve never understood that, what’s there which is so attractive?, and yes, even though I’m a Werewolf, I’d still find it a bit spooky.

Werewolves do everything people do, We go out, watch movies, listen to music, dance (often badly, in our own homes) We eat muffins…

We don’t eat people, We wouldn’t eat you, people are disgusting, but there are times when it’s nice to let people *think* we do, you know the type, yes, them.

Werewolves should never eat chocolate (but we do it often!)

We don’t generally drink or smoke.

Toilets are a bit of a problem.

Some of us are awful geeks and use Twitter too damn much, quite frankly.

Cats still think we’re there to feed them and are there to be sat on.

Sometimes we get fleas, though I blame the cat.

Is there any more I need to tell you? If so, ask away.




One response

1 05 2013

Tails & doors don’t mix 😉 Like that.

You have me almost convinced, but unconvincable really as I am too average human…

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