Finding Myself

11 06 2012

A friend once asked me that if I don’t believe in a soul, then what about Wolfie?

It was a valid question but at the time  it stumped me, which was annoying because I didn’t want to be stumped by a religious person.

But I’ve been thinking about it lately, and these are my thoughts.

Wolfie “came to me” as a teenager… He seemed like a spirit guide, He did help me with a few things, it was all very subtle. I wanted to know things, Who was Wolfie?, Why was Wolfie? What’s it all about?

This partially ushered in my New Age, Crystal wearing, Hippy days of the 90’s, but I think, like, I always, like, would’ve gone in that direction, man (Just taking the piss).

I tried to connect with something, so that I could say that Wolfie was “this”… whatever “this” was, and perhaps to find more about Him, about Me… Us.

When I first got online in the 90’s, Usenet Newsgroups and IRC were the big thing… Facebook wasn’t even an electronic sperm in it’s dads twinkling eye.

But I found the Alt groups, it was here that you could talk about anything… there was no spam then, and everyone was well behaved, Newsgroups were cool.

Usenet Newsgroups were the Yahoo groups of the day, and were used by all and sundry, but mostly by geeks… since they were mostly the ones who used the internet back then.

I found alt.horror.werewolves which began as a place to discuss werewolf books and films, but then a few people began turning up saying “I feel like one myself”.

By the time I got to AHWW it was all about the inner wolf, and when I read posts by these people, I could see they were having a similar experience to me… which was interesting, why were we, collectively, feeling something other than human inside us?

I grew very fond of these people, and I also began to feel that perhaps Native American spirituality had some answers, so I tinkered with that… and although it was nice, I don’t feel like I got any answers.

A well known author dropped in one day to ask us Weres (Not all of us were Wolves) *See what I did there?* what we thought of his book, and well… We weren’t very happy about it, so I think the poor guy left in tears… although I hope not, but talk about critical. I have read the book myself, it wasn’t bad “Moondance” S. P. Somtow

Anyway I would log in though and talk to all these people daily, in much the same way that we all use Social Networks now, but then someone invented spam… and although our group wasn’t suffering from it at first, eventually the amount of spam made Usenet Newsgroups pointless.

There was an IRC group which was run by the same people, it suffered too and eventually we all went our own ways.

Interestingly though, for those who knew me on Second Life, the gold werewolf avatar I had was made by one of the old AHWW folks, who used to log into IRC as Pinky.

Anyway, I’ve re evaluated Wolfie, and don’t think He’s a spiritual thing, but more of a lost part of my personality which always would have been there had it not been for the actions of high school bullies who tried to extinguish it’s glow.

But now it’s grown and bloomed, and I’m not afraid to show this part of myself off to anyone, why should I be, when it functions so beautifully, helping me to find such wonderful love and friendship, as I have done.

And do I really need to classify Wolfie like a butterfly pinned to a board?

No, I don’t think so, I still can’t decide if I’m gay or straight or bi or whatever, so why should I classify my personality?

“All is Zen”

Wolfie!

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4 responses

11 06 2012
cordannao

Beautifully said Wolfie. I believe that we all have that inner self that we may keep protected and safe inside, or we may let it burst forth. I held mine inside for a long time and when it came out it was the right time. It’s good to feel complete at the end of the day.
Love Coralie.

3 06 2014
Sunkmanitu El Coyotl

Howls, Wolfie!

I used to get on A.H.W.W. back in the mid to late 90’s and miss a lot of individuals there with lots of good conversations/posts. I was saddened to see it deteriorate over the years the way it did, and I lost a lot of contacts.

I agree that a lot of us do as “cordannao stated above” that we have an inner self or side that we keep protected and often protects us, that little voice of reason. I have had peculiar and strong ties to Coyote, and have went through similar soul searching and denials so to speak over the years, but at the end of the day I look at it as an extension of myself, I am a part of Coyote and he is a part of me, if that makes any sense.

Anyways as always I enjoy your thought provoking posts.

3 06 2014
Wolfie Rankin

AHWW was such a long time ago, wasn’t it?

4 04 2016
Nightshade

Indeed it was. Indeed it was.
I often remember going to Natahala National Forest with my friend at the ripe old age of 18 to meet up with Pinky, Bowtie, and several others.
I remember sitting around a fire where I learned to play a card game called Mau “Mau Mother-f*%er, Mau!” 🙂 sorry was a quote from that particular get together that is etched in my brain.
I remember before he moved to Texas with Sabrelion, Randomly showing up at Twotails (can’t remember his other name) house randomly.
I remember when Reemul (da boid) Died.
I remember Khaeros teaching me what the acronym BDS stood for.
I remember port 6666 and the random IRC servers throughout the years. I remember how many times in a five year period I typed /join #ahww or later /join #slash.
I remember that I was a huge ass at times and treated someone by the handle Cougar very poorly.
I remember Coyote Osborune chastising me about being such an ass.
I remember when Pinky and Bow tie visited me, Amber eyes, and Kyrin (who oddly enough were all on IRC only to later find out we all went to the same high school).
I remember when the Amanda K sank. In fact I still have “The Sinking of the Amanda K” on a flash drive somewhere. That was a good story.
I remember my sometimes entirely sleepless nights talking about some deep philosophical stuff with Lovebear, Walksie (Sarah), Reemul, and countless others.
I will always remember and never forget. We were all basically using social media before it was even a thing. You all helped me through some of the toughest period of my life and effectively helped me grow as a person.
I turn 35 this year and first remember #ahww from when I was 15 or 16.
Has it really been 20 years? It does seem like another life and lifetime ago.
Cheers!
Nightshade D Pampaskitty

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