The first time that I was a disappointment to a girl.

4 01 2011

The 80’s was a rough time for me, I went to a school which scared me because others there were violent or just bullies or a combo of both, I had a few friends, but they were very timid too. I hated the place.

And I was going through puberty, strange things were happening to my body that made me feel shame, I had nobody to talk with about sex, I kept everything sexual under cover, it was never mentioned… I’d even shave till my skin was red to make out that nothing was happening, I never mentioned the shaving, I was dreadfully embarrassed about it as it was proof that I was growing up, although evidence of it could be seen, it was never mentioned, My Mum knew, but she didn’t know how to approach the problem, I think she tried once, but there was shouting and she backed down.

Dad just never seemed to notice anything.

My Cousin kept talking about girls and sex, quite openly and I didn’t like it, it made me feel uncomfortable.
He kept asking me when I would try it on with someone.

I kept telling Mum and Jan (My Sister) that I never would, but they’d give me the look and say that it’d be different when I was older.

Jan kept asking me when I’d make her an Aunt, half serious, half joking.

There came a point when I was in my 30s that they both realised that it wasn’t going to happen.

I fell in love with a girl once, when I was at high school, the whole thing came to a head while on an excursion somewhere with the school. I felt my feet floating off the ground, She never knew of course, She was my little red headed girl.

Anyway, teenage years.

My Cousin, had offered to take us out to his mates Italian restaurant, which had tables around a small dancefloor which nobody was using. I think we, the seven of us, Mum, Dad and I, My Cousin (Daryl) his Wife, Inga (Who was lovely) and their new baby, Kama. were one of only a few parties there.

I have a feeling this was all a bit pre-meditated by Daryl, it seems the kind of thing he’d do, I can’t believe that something like this would just happen out of the blue.

A girl, some girl, came over to the table and asked me if I wanted to dance. There was nothing wrong with her, I remember she was a little heavy, had pale skin and I’m pretty sure that she was blonde, she was nicely dressed and seemed nice.

I was confused, who was this person?

I couldn’t dance, what did she expect of me?

I knew that I’d be making a complete fool of myself, so I politely turned down her request.

She tried again, perhaps it seemed that if she whined enough, I’d get up and dance with her, that seemed to be a ploy that worked in the movies where the guy decides to be a gentleman, gets up, treats the lady to a dance and maybe they talk later, and she slaps his face or they kiss or James Bond turns up and the place gets shot up

I turned down her offer once more.

She was now pulling on my jacket, quite forcefully, Daryl was giggling, and I was feeling trapped and worried.
“No!” I yelled “Leave me alone!”

And She dropped me, I sat down and watched her walk away, crying.

I’m not sure how old I was, maybe fifteen.

Once in a while I think about this moment in time and wish it had been different, Yes she had gone about things the wrong way, but what if she’d been told that I loved dancing and if she pushed me, then I probably would have done so?

I wonder if this is what caused me to build that wall?

I love people, I love company, but there’s no love, falling in love is something I don’t do.

That evening was the last time I made a girl cry, and I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you that I’m really sorry.





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