The Man’s Horoscope

21 01 2011

I think horoscopes need something new, a bit of a new marketing twist. I mean they’re fine for women and the gay community, but I feel they need a new rugged twist… so I present, “The Man’s Horoscope”.

Firstly we’ll get rid of all that bull where the star sign sort of changes in the middle of months, no more wondering if you’re one thing or the other and having to check the dates, it’s for the whole month, then the month is finished, that’s it, it’s over.

Secondly, it doesn’t run off stars, does any of it? My theory is that someone goes to a doctors office and copies the star signs from Womens Mags dated 1983 and simply reposts them, lets face it, if there was anything real about them, then you could buy a stack of newspapers and magazines and they’d all say the exact same thing, but they don’t, do they… so we may as well say “we’re basically making shit up” at least we’re honest.

1. Mars – Named after the planet, The God and The fact that Mars and Male share the same symbol.

2. Grunt – It’s February, and it’s hot, Who can be stuffed doing anything?

3. Beer – It’s still hot outside, for a while anyway.

4. Moustache – With the onset of Autumn we may as well grow facial hair, any excuse is better than none.

5. Moon – It’s Awesome.

6. Troll, It’s winter, and we’re not happy.

7. TARDIS – You can shove your arse out the window and moon some Daleks on the way past.

8 . Rocket – Power, Thrust, Fire, Phallic object, enough said.

9. Sausage – It’s spring, and a man’s mind turns to…

10. Stallion – Starting to feel some warmer weather, and some stirrings in the groin region.

11. Werewolf – Howing at the moon, pissing on lemon trees in the dark, Woof!

12. Scrotum – Lay back and scratch your balls.

That’s it, make up whatever crap you like as you down a beer and that’ll be good enough.


Note, I swapped Scrotum and TARDIS for a friend, if you don’t like it, tough.
If you were a Scrotum before the change, you’re still a scrotum… unless your name starts with a D.

Mary Poppins

13 01 2011

One day, I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film, I agreed and when saturday rolled around, we met at Flinders Street as we usually did.

Then we did our usual shopping which involved chocolates at Darrell Lea, Books at Myer, Virgin Records and Sci-fi items at Minotaur.

We arrived at Greater Union, which had just opened it’s doors for that morning, and bought our tickets.

My friend went off to the toilet and I waited in the foyer, which was filling up with people.

Then a boy with downs syndrome appeared right in front of me, and he grinned one of those broad smiles that they do, he looked about my age, or younger, and then he said “We’re going to see Mary Poppins!” and I could tell that he was really excited about that, yet it was odd… He was about our age, and had he been, normal, then he probably would have wanted to see the same film that we were about to see.

I was about to say “Why, it’s been on TV a few times” but I just couldn’t, He was happy, so I think I replied with “That’s a good movie” and I think he said “Yeah”. Then he asked me what I was going to see, and I told him, He didn’t ask me what it was about, and I didn’t see much point in explaining the complexities.

Then someone else, a parent or helper, hustled him gently away… I think there might have been other kids like him, but my memory is vague.

My friend returned and we went to get our seats.

Now if He had been “normal” like us, then he probably would have wanted to see what we were going to see,
But here’s the strangest thing, although I remember this incident and the film he was going to see…

… I have no memory of what we saw that day.

Perhaps I would have been just as happy with Mary Poppins too.


Face it

11 01 2011

As you know, I like my Social Media, but this might strike you as odd.
Although I prefer my blog site, I use Facebook as my main blog, well sort of anyway.

You see, I like to drop links into it, sometimes at a rapidfire pace, as with todays posts and updates on the flooding in Queensland, I was getting new information at the rate of about three items per minute, from various news sources and journos who I follow on Twitter.

WordPress requires that I write something, and possibly add a photo, while all I need for Facebook, which usually, but not always, finds a chunk of text from the story and a photo to go with it… leaving me to credit the source, and then continue looking for more news.

This is what I want on WordPress, I’m sure people would find it a very useful feature if it was available, is it?


Heat Denied.

8 01 2011

Original post by Brendan, A Member of the ABC Science Matters Mailing List.

Meanwhile in Science 201 we look at the evolution of global warming

Stage 1: (Pre-Cambrium) The earth is not warming, to think otherwise
will cause job losses and destroy the economy.

Stage 2: (Ordovician) Ok, maybe the earth is warming, but it’s perfectly
natural and not caused by human activity, to think otherwise will cause
job losses and destroy the economy.

Stage 3: (Devonian) Ok, maybe this warming is caused by us, but there is
nothing we can do about it, to think otherwise will cause job losses and
destroy the economy.

Stage 4: (Carboniferous) Ok, maybe we can do something, let’s trust
industry to solve the problem, governments should not be involved, to
think otherwise will cause job losses and destroy the economy.

Stage 5: (Permian) Ok, maybe governments should be involved, but
industry should set the price on carbon, to think otherwise will cause
job losses and destroy the economy.

Stage 6: (Triassic) Ok, maybe government should set the price on carbon,
but big polluters should be subsidised by taxpayers to protect profits,
CEO salaries and investor dividends, to think otherwise will cause job
losses and destroy the economy.

Stage 7: (Cretaceous) Ok, maybe profits, CEOs and investors should not
be protected species, but Governments should not promote alternate
energy production …. to think otherwise will cause job losses and
destroy the economy.

There are obviously several stages after this, but I’ll stop for the
sake of brevity.

So next time you read a post by a denialist, or read an article in the
business news by a billionaire opposed to a mining tax, think about
where they might be on this evolutionary scale.

Yours Warmly,



7 01 2011

As most of you know, when I find out about a new social networking site, I want to sign up and try it.

Well the twitterers kept mentioning Quora, I had no idea what it was, but soon found myself on their website, signing up.

What it turns out to be is a strange cross between Formspring, The questions and answers site, Yahoo Answers, and a bit of Wikipedia.

The idea is to ask a question, which is seen by users who watch particular topics. For instance, let’s say that you know lots about Melbourne, You now where all the good places are, and feel clued in enough to advise visitors on where they should go, then you’d follow the Melbourne topic.

When you see a question about Melbourne, you leap in with your best answer.
This could be quite helpful, though I feel that I could simply ask my Twitter followers and get a good answer and it would be easier than using Quora.

When I signed up, Quora pulled in most of my twitter followers who were already using the service and gave me a choice as to if I wanted to follow them here too.

Quora felt, to me, and indeed I may change my mind, like one of those new things that everybody wants to try, but soon works out that they have very little real use for, certain Google products come to mind here.

Firstly I wasn’t feeling anything, with some of these things I’ve joined, there’s an instant realisation that this new thing here could be very useful, but Quora lost me.

Then when I slowly began to catch on, I felt the thing was difficult to use, I saw that topics could be created somehow and wanted to try doing that, but found that I couldn’t… it was only after about an hour of tinkering that I discovered a topic can only be made AFTER asking a question.

So I asked a question.

“What are your favourite werewolf legends” (Favourite was flagged as incorrect of course, the mac is doing it now).

Then I created the topic “Werewolf” and left it to simmer.

About thirty minutes later I noticed a notification to say there’d been a change made.

I checked and found that someone had altered my question to

“What are the best Werewolf legends” Which is not the same, so I promptly changed it back.

I know that this is typical Wiki like behaviour but it doesn’t mean I have to like it, I pinned it down by answering my own question which began “My favourite legend is….”

Now I may be wrong but I honestly feel that this is one thing that I won’t be using much, I felt the same about delicious and linkedin, things that frankly I had little or no use for.

Still, what I’ve said here doesn’t mean I’m canning it, what I tell people is this, sign up and give it a shot, you may find that Quora is perfect for *your* needs, it simply wasn’t a must-have for me.


*** More ***

Well my question was changed again, back to “The Best” and this time came with an explanation from admin who told me that it was something to do with wording in their TOS in which I had to keep attention to,

Now OK, I would support people for wanting to keep their site clean and looking nice, A lot of people don’t like swearing and although I feel it has it’s place, many people can’t seem to explain themselves without using expletives.

Then there are the type who use lots of slang and shortcuts, R for Are, acceptable in an SMS, but not very nice anywhere else.

But I felt that what I was experiencing was something like a very strict English teacher from the 30’s, the kind who would whack a student over the knuckles for a misspelling, was breathing down my neck.

The Werewolf question above, was simply a demo, just to see what would happen, and now I can see quite clearly that whatever I type in future will be read and edited.

I’m 45, I feel quite confident in writing a question if the need arises, I’m not perfect and I will make the odd mistake, but I’m not attempting to write a classic novel, What I’m doing is merely asking a question.

And I can do this effectively and quickly via tweetdeck, in a relaxed fashion, in my usual, cheeky style, and I will, most likely, receive a timely reply, without a tut-tut from “people who know better”.

Quora might be useful to some, as I said earlier, but now I see that it’s definitely not for me.

*** Update ***

I was going to keep the page I had created as a place keeper, but had decided not to revisit, but then I noticed another user had added me so I went back to my page and checked, and there was a message for me from Admin advising me, that according to their TOS one must never use their service while using a nom-de-plume, it just wouldn’t be proper… therefore we advise the user to rename oneself or exit the building so that our coachman waiting below can escort you to a whorehouse or something more suitable to your needs.

That was it, I told them where to go and promptly deactivated my account.

Now why should I be offended about this? Well you know that I relate to people via my Character, and people like the character I’ve created, there’s nothing wrong with it, we listen to singers all the time who don’t use their real names, and some of the stuff they’ve created is brilliant.

If you’re a cafe owner and you get some scruffy bloke coming around on the weekend who is quiet, minds his own business, is polite, calls himself “Frog” and writes, do you throw him out?

Why would you?

Firstly he’s your customer, he’s not doing anything wrong, and he might just be writing an amazing song or some wonderful novel.

What if you’re all “People like you aren’t welcome here, out you go” and you toss this poor blighter out, and five years later you’re watching telly, and here’s this bloke saying how he wrote this epic novel which everyone has read, at the cafe across the road, and he’s joking that he was thrown out of your cafe? good grief!

I’m just the little guy, asking me to leave, or me leaving on my own terms, isn’t going to have any lasting effect, but your Bob Dylans, your John Lennons, your Mark Twains and J. K. Rowlings.

Or more to the point, your Madonnas, your Freddy Mercurys or your Elton Johns… Sir Elton, I might add.

I am quite disappointed.


The first time that I was a disappointment to a girl.

4 01 2011

The 80’s was a rough time for me, I went to a school which scared me because others there were violent or just bullies or a combo of both, I had a few friends, but they were very timid too. I hated the place.

And I was going through puberty, strange things were happening to my body that made me feel shame, I had nobody to talk with about sex, I kept everything sexual under cover, it was never mentioned… I’d even shave till my skin was red to make out that nothing was happening, I never mentioned the shaving, I was dreadfully embarrassed about it as it was proof that I was growing up, although evidence of it could be seen, it was never mentioned, My Mum knew, but she didn’t know how to approach the problem, I think she tried once, but there was shouting and she backed down.

Dad just never seemed to notice anything.

My Cousin kept talking about girls and sex, quite openly and I didn’t like it, it made me feel uncomfortable.
He kept asking me when I would try it on with someone.

I kept telling Mum and Jan (My Sister) that I never would, but they’d give me the look and say that it’d be different when I was older.

Jan kept asking me when I’d make her an Aunt, half serious, half joking.

There came a point when I was in my 30s that they both realised that it wasn’t going to happen.

I fell in love with a girl once, when I was at high school, the whole thing came to a head while on an excursion somewhere with the school. I felt my feet floating off the ground, She never knew of course, She was my little red headed girl.

Anyway, teenage years.

My Cousin, had offered to take us out to his mates Italian restaurant, which had tables around a small dancefloor which nobody was using. I think we, the seven of us, Mum, Dad and I, My Cousin (Daryl) his Wife, Inga (Who was lovely) and their new baby, Kama. were one of only a few parties there.

I have a feeling this was all a bit pre-meditated by Daryl, it seems the kind of thing he’d do, I can’t believe that something like this would just happen out of the blue.

A girl, some girl, came over to the table and asked me if I wanted to dance. There was nothing wrong with her, I remember she was a little heavy, had pale skin and I’m pretty sure that she was blonde, she was nicely dressed and seemed nice.

I was confused, who was this person?

I couldn’t dance, what did she expect of me?

I knew that I’d be making a complete fool of myself, so I politely turned down her request.

She tried again, perhaps it seemed that if she whined enough, I’d get up and dance with her, that seemed to be a ploy that worked in the movies where the guy decides to be a gentleman, gets up, treats the lady to a dance and maybe they talk later, and she slaps his face or they kiss or James Bond turns up and the place gets shot up

I turned down her offer once more.

She was now pulling on my jacket, quite forcefully, Daryl was giggling, and I was feeling trapped and worried.
“No!” I yelled “Leave me alone!”

And She dropped me, I sat down and watched her walk away, crying.

I’m not sure how old I was, maybe fifteen.

Once in a while I think about this moment in time and wish it had been different, Yes she had gone about things the wrong way, but what if she’d been told that I loved dancing and if she pushed me, then I probably would have done so?

I wonder if this is what caused me to build that wall?

I love people, I love company, but there’s no love, falling in love is something I don’t do.

That evening was the last time I made a girl cry, and I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you that I’m really sorry.


A Comment left at Pharyngula after reading harsh statements about Facebook.

3 01 2011

Posted by: Wolfie_Rankin Author Profile Page | January 3, 2011 5:55 AM

May I just point something else out that I noticed, There’s a lot of Netcism around (I just made up that word) People have their little bits of the internet which they and a group of friends will defend until death, while at the same time spitting on the other groups bit of it, why?

Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with Facebook, not in the slightest.

I use practically everything online that I can get my hands on, and find that most of it is really useful in different ways.

But others “No, way, that’s for nerds”, “That’s for morons”… this attitude hurts nobody but YOU!

A while ago, I decided to do the “cool” thing and remove myself from Facebook, it was crap, it seemed everyone wanted to send me invitations to games which I didn’t want, or virtual gifts which I didn’t want either.

What I did though, was put a notice on my page that starting immediately, I will not be accepting any more games/gifts… and guess what? I now have a perfectly respectable page where I can post the kinds of links that are of interest to me, in a rapid fire way, that I can’t do on my blog.

Dare I say, I’m even enjoying the experience now.

Man, linking up is what it’s all about… but if you’re there and you’re saying “I’m only using this one thing, cause everything else sucks” then nobody will care, I’ll be using it, and a lot of others will too.

Why does Facebook get blamed for so much? Did Facebook force some girl to upload rude photos of herself?

If you did this stuff over the telephone service, do you blame you or the telephone?

“It’s the Telephones fault *cries* It made me have sex with Brian!” Next, on A Current Affair.


Give a moron a typewriter and they’re still going to write crap, aren’t they?

Anyway, look up “Wolfie Science” on Facebook and see what you think.

I’ve been a member of the ABC Science Matters forum since the early 90’s, but we’re running low on posts and members now… but guess where all the old names are popping up.

Please Please forget the crap about Facebook or whatever being crap, damnit we’re wealthy western bastards with an internet connection, half the world doesn’t even have that, and you don’t like you own opportunities?? there’s no pleasing some people, seriously!


The Wolfie Sandwich Maker

3 01 2011

I’ve been after a sandwich maker, but I can never find one to suit my needs, Now I have my own ideas about what would make a good sandwich maker, I’ve mentioned these ideas to others, and they seem to think they sound reasonable… so here they are.

Firstly, get rid of that diagonal slice “scissor action” thing, it’s one of those things that sound nice in the ads, but in practice is a pain. Anyone who’s tried to use something a bit runny like egg or baked beans will know that the scissor edge creates a little hill, and makes runny stuff run out of the sandwich, it just makes a mess.

There is a Sunbean unit out there which doesn’t have this, I had one, it worked really well this sandwich maker had two concave spaces for the bread, so the bread would create a sort of bowl, which held everything together, practical, useful and not nearly as messy.

Secondly, It must have plates in which pop out and can be put in the sink.
How can you possibly have an item which gets so gooey and yet be so difficult to wash?
Have you seen the label on the sandwich makers? “Do not immerse in water” *groan*
OK fine, I understand this, it’s an electrical appliance, but AT LEAST allow us to immerse SOME of it.

Thirdly, and this is a big one, no teflon (or any other non-stick nonsense) ever since they started using this horror, our kitchenware wears out… Our grannies had pots and pans for well over fifty years, why? Because they had no teflon to go bad, flake off and ruin their stuff.

I have two sandwich makers in my home right now which I won’t use (even though they still work) because I am concerned that the flaking teflon is a heath risk. I am completely against “the black plague of the kitchen” and would far rather give my pots and pans a good hard scrub and still have them in good condition years from now, just like in Grans day.

Can someone please guide me to a sandwich maker with these options?