I think horoscopes need something new, a bit of a new marketing twist. I mean they’re fine for women and the gay community, but I feel they need a new rugged twist… so I present, “The Man’s Horoscope”.
Firstly we’ll get rid of all that bull where the star sign sort of changes in the middle of months, no more wondering if you’re one thing or the other and having to check the dates, it’s for the whole month, then the month is finished, that’s it, it’s over.
Secondly, it doesn’t run off stars, does any of it? My theory is that someone goes to a doctors office and copies the star signs from Womens Mags dated 1983 and simply reposts them, lets face it, if there was anything real about them, then you could buy a stack of newspapers and magazines and they’d all say the exact same thing, but they don’t, do they… so we may as well say “we’re basically making shit up” at least we’re honest.
1. Mars – Named after the planet, The God and The fact that Mars and Male share the same symbol.
2. Grunt – It’s February, and it’s hot, Who can be stuffed doing anything?
3. Beer – It’s still hot outside, for a while anyway.
4. Moustache – With the onset of Autumn we may as well grow facial hair, any excuse is better than none.
5. Moon – It’s Awesome.
6. Troll, It’s winter, and we’re not happy.
7. TARDIS – You can shove your arse out the window and moon some Daleks on the way past.
8 . Rocket – Power, Thrust, Fire, Phallic object, enough said.
9. Sausage – It’s spring, and a man’s mind turns to…
10. Stallion – Starting to feel some warmer weather, and some stirrings in the groin region.
11. Werewolf – Howing at the moon, pissing on lemon trees in the dark, Woof!
12. Scrotum – Lay back and scratch your balls.
That’s it, make up whatever crap you like as you down a beer and that’ll be good enough.
Note, I swapped Scrotum and TARDIS for a friend, if you don’t like it, tough.
If you were a Scrotum before the change, you’re still a scrotum… unless your name starts with a D.