The Werewolf Song

27 09 2010

Does anyone have the video of this?


Oh, I’m a wolf-man,
Now hear my song
Join my friends for fun
It never ends and you can howl along
So come with us
We’re on the prowl
We’re all furry and with a hurry to really howl!

Here’s the deal, now here’s the scoop –
Come and join our werewolf group
Brush your fangs and comb your face
We’re gonna bark and howl all over the place!

Like a werewolf!

Oh, yes it happened
Late last June
Right at night by the light of a bright full Moon
A bushy tail
Grew from my seat
And I saw some claws on my paws that were once my feet
Each place I go
Each night I see
Folks gotta cold wet nose and toes like you and me

Here’s the deal, now here’s the scoop –
Come and join our werewolf group
Brush your fangs and calm your face
We’re gonna bark and howl all over the place!

Like a werewolf!

OK everybody! Now I want to hear you howl!
A little bit louder!
OK, a little bit softer!
Very good! Now, everybody, how high can you howl?
Good. Now how low can you howl?
Now, all you little werewolves follow me!

Here’s the deal, now here’s the scoop –
Come and join our werewolf group
Brush your fangs and comb your face
We’re gonna bark and howl all over the place!

Like a werewolf!

I got this off a Polish website, and they had a few words wrong, which I’ve corrected…
however a few may have slipped past.

Introducing, The Coffee Break.

19 09 2010

Those of us with any sort of intelligence have witnessed the rise of Sarah Palin and “The Teaparty”, and wondered if somehow, our education system has failed in an enormous way, somewhere along the line.

Suddenly we have the uprising of the stupid, and we cringe at phrases uttered by leaders which make no sense, and angry followers with placards of misspelled and misunderstood words.

It appears in my view that our side, we intellectuals, or “communist pinkos” as the boorish other side calls us, those of us who are happy with the theory of evolution, stem cell research, and the idea that the earth orbits the sun… haven’t got a name of our own.

So to counter this, let me introduce “The Coffee Break”.

The Coffee Break is a collection of people, who are most definitely not of the Tea Party type.

At some point, we may have a webpage and more, if the idea takes off… but for now, if you like the idea, I invite you to write “Member of The Coffee Break” somewhere on your webpage, your twitter profile, your avatar description, Facebook or whatever you may have.

It’s a global movement against human stupidity, Join us today!


On Twitter, please use the hashtag #TheCoffeeBreak

shut it

A Tragic Waste of Life, A Reply.

18 09 2010

Recently, Myf Warhurst wrote an article about her own experience with Secondlife, which sadly had been rather negative. As those of us who have gone through the early stages of avatar childhood have found, it’s not easy.

Chiming in at the comments section were a band of the usual suspects who claim the internet is an oubliette of everything evil… while ironically using the same mechanism to vent their frustrations, how bizarre.

Social media can be like choosing a musical instrument to learn and play.

I’ve seen people do really well with one social network, yet completely flop at another. if you find that you’re no good on the piano but do well on guitar, it doesn’t mean the piano sucks and is only for idiots, right?

Therefore if Twitter and Facebook don’t do it for you, then perhaps Skype is more your thing.

The Movie “Beautiful Kate” demonstrated a great use for Secondlife, Rachel Griffiths played the Daughter of a dying Father. Alone in the outback with nobody around for miles, she used Secondlife to meet with a group of people, it would have come in handy on long lonely outback nights.

I have mentioned before that users of Secondlife are often stuck in remote locations or not well enough to get out of the house and meet people, as according to those who would never use the internet insist we must always do.

A friend of mine works as a miner in NSW, he works really hard, often at odd hours. He lives about 200km away from his family and shares his home with his animals.

But naturally he wants to have some sort of human contact, quite difficult when you’re way out in the bush and the local pub and cafes are not open at 4am, and frankly, who wants to go out again when you’re utterly beat?

About four years back, after some persuasion by friends on other social networks, he decided to try Secondlife.

Initially he was against it, he had some pre-conceived ideas about Secondlife and it’s users, but once he tried it
he was sold. He even went as far as buying an entire island with a friend, which can be quite an expensive thing to do, most people who use Secondlife don’t buy an island.

When I pay him a visit, his avatar is frequently standing with a group of three or four others, they don’t role play or play a game, they talk about exactly the same things that people would if they met in real life, and so do I.
Talking on Secondlife, with a group of friends is far better than speaking to just one on the phone, and if your friends are interstate or overseas, then it also works out to be a very cheap conversation.

We internet users take quite a lot from the media, and even other internet users, which is quite strange really.

There have always been passive hobbies where people sit for a long time, especially during winter when it’s too cold for anything else. Some people sit for days knitting, sewing, painting or writing, is there anything wrong with that?

For me, I loved being home with my parents and my animals. as long as I was home, I was happy. and besides, I had stacks of 45s which I loved to sit and listen to, I was obsessed with music, and nobody had any objections to it… Well no, there were some who thought that I should have been down the park, kicking a ball around, but that was simply not me.

The internet is mocked by all and sundry, they roll their eyes and sigh, things were better in our day. when a womans place was in the home and there weren’t any poofs, and we all went to church on a sunday.

Of course, television was acceptable, although our teachers hated it, “Chewing gum for the mind” they called it, and warned that our generation would grow up unable to think for ourselves because of the stupidity on the tube.

I doubt they considered Jim Henson, Professor Julius Sumner Miller, David Attenborough and shows like Beyond 2000, New Inventors and Catalyst which routinely broadened the mind instead of stunting it like our teachers thought it would.

I often watch TED which is an internet program of sorts, where intelligent people get up on stage for about fifteen minutes and tell us what they’re into, it’s a bit like show and tell for adults, and some of the talks are completely brilliant.

Facebook is all this, Twitter is all that, It’s ruining kids brains, eyes and postures, whatever will come of the next generation?

Relax, it’s just a little bit of history repeating, what became of us with our monophonic colour TVs, Countdown and Walkmans? We grew up mostly intact like everyone else, and I’m certain the next generation will too.

In fact, according to one TED speaker, we’re getting smarter, despite what news stories about Tea Party members would have you believe.

I’ve tried it all, and it’s all good, I’m sure that Today Tonight would be most bitter that I haven’t come to a terrible fate such as being stewed up by some sort of Hannibal Lecter character who found me on Facebook.

Being through what I’ve been through in the last five years, if anything, the internet has saved me, and I’ve met many wonderful friends who, yes, I’ve met in real life and continued to be good friends with them after the fact.

If there was no internet, then chances are that I would have sat at home and not gone out to meet people, as I’m a very shy person who keeps a very low profile in public and rarely speaks to anyone, having had the internet and engaging with people, I’ve come out of my shell a heck of a lot and am no longer scared to say hello or ask a question.

The internet as a whole has done me a lot of good, a waste of life? surely not.

And Myf, I invite you to try again, please do!

Myfs original article from National Times


Myfs article also spoke about The Laneways Project at ABC Island. I have seen the real thing as I live fairly close to it, I can get on the train and be there in about thirty minutes. But the fact is, Friends and Family rather inconveniently tend to live in other states and countries, and as much as I’d like my friends from Oklahoma, London, Perth and Amsterdam to join me for a cuppa at the laneways, they can’t, at least not until someone invents teleportation.

The Laneways Project gave people an idea of what a part of Melbourne looked like, it appealed to Secondlife users and I dare say that some who may not have considered visiting Melbourne before, may have decided otherwise because of what they’d seen there in Secondlife.

A Plan for World Peace

14 09 2010

Last night I was chatting to a couple of friends on Secondlife, One being an American who worked for an Aerospace company, and he was telling us how on one particular and rather boring day in the boardroom, and with no ideas floating around, he decided to float something else, jacked himself up slightly on one bum-cheek and blew a lengthy fart under the table.

It bobbed away under the table, skillfully making it’s way to the other side, where it rose…

Apparently the facial expressions on those unfortunates sitting on that side of the table were to the delight of the owner as they covered their faces, scrunched their noses and fell over backwards.

But Men being Men and not ready to run like cowards, one on the other side retaliated with a low rumbling bass which stank enough to make a skunk proud and probably killed all the cockroaches in the room.

With a deeply satisfied look, he said “I’ve been hanging onto that one for over an hour”.

And now with a battle in full swing, others joined in, filling the air with as much noxious fumery as possible.

At this point, the doors opened and in comes the fellow in charge of maintaining cups of tea and coffee, he takes one sniff, freezes and says “What the hell have you guys been doing??”.

Needless to say, it must’ve been his shortest visit to that room ever.

Although the room stank to high heaven, those in their room were happy with their achievement and that’s about where the story ended.

Then it occurred to me that if there’s ever another meeting of heads of state, for whatever reason, maybe, just maybe, a good farting contest is what’s needed.

Feed all the dignitaries up on spicy Mexican food, Indian and whatever makes peoples bowels fill with gas, then wait an hour or so and send them to their seats.

Eventually the Indian will have to let rip, that will be followed up by a cheeky fbbbtt from Iran, Germany will issue a statement, and then England will follow. The US will add their two cents and so on and so forth… the doors and windows will eventually need to be opened but you would hear chuckling and a smile will be on everyone’s faces.

They will agree with each others ideas, handshakes will follow, papers will be cheerily signed and they’ll all leave feeling as though they’ve achieved something.

A fart, like music, is international, everyone likes a good fart.

It could save the World.


The Meeting

7 09 2010

I find myself in a large room, which could be a school hall, it’s well lit, I’m sitting on the left (if you were on the stage looking at us) in the front row and it looks like there’s about five hundred people seated behind me,

The stage is about two meters off the ground, and looks very basic, it’s probably made of polished pine.

There’s a group of people up there, maybe thirty, they’re huddled together as though they’re having a very informal group photo taken.

The Guy at the back of this group is Cramer from Seinfeld, and the one in the middle is Steve Jobs who is hosting this get together.

It’s certainly nothing like we’d usually expect, it’s very laid back, there’s no video screens or products, it could just be a meeting at a computer club.

Then Cramer yells out “Has anyone heard that joke about the Chicken?” I seem to remember hearing that joke and recall that it was very “off colour”.

There’s mumbling in the audience and some people appear to be really offended, there’s a lot of frowning and shuffling, and then some people begin to get up and leave.

Steve is really annoyed, and marches off the stage into a room on the right.

I feel annoyed at the people leaving, so I start yelling at them about being so prudish and to at least sit down and hear what Steve has to say, but the buggers walk off anyway.

About half the audience remain seated.

I can see Steve walking around in the room near the stage, so I get up and walk over, I ask him if he’s ok, He yells back at me, but unfortunately I forget what he said.

I walk back to my seat and talk to @GumbyRoffo and he asks me if I was the one who asked the audience about the joke, and I say “No, it was Cramer, I was in the audience” and he says “It sounded like something you’d do”.

Then Steve walks out, carrying a beige plastic pointer, and he looks at me with a bit of a smile and gives me a light but firm crack over the head with it, he hits Gumby too.

The End.


Wildsex Days

6 09 2010

The time had come to think about making my very first website, this was in the mid 90s.

Websites at the time were rather flat and not all that interesting, they were usually rather dry scientific pages, or sci-fi or terrible porn sites… terrible because you’d never get any porn, each link promised something free until you hit the 50th link where it would finally ask you for money and install adware all over your pc.

I wanted to do something different, and perhaps stir people up with the subject matter.

Animals rooting, that was it.
* Rooting is the Aussie word for Intercourse.

I found some pretty crappy wildlife photos of animals doing it and arranged them into something that looked somewhat attractive and added some text.

It looked a bit like an early version of Cracked.

The page was launched and I sat back and waited for the hate mail to flood in from fundies or anyone who felt that the subject matter would hurt their virgin eyes.

Amazingly it gained a following of loyal readers, who not only liked what they saw, but contributed like mad.

Suddenly I had photos of horses and other animals hard at it, and I posted what I considered the best… by this time I had too many to put on my website, and uploading on dialup took ages anyway.

None of these photos were any worse than you’d see on Discovery.

Except the pictures had to be of Mammals, My theory was that documentaries were scared of showing mammals having sex, it was a bit close to the bone, so they’d give the audience the old “birds and bugs treatment” which was less confronting.

I wanted to be as confronting as possible.

Some contributors sent videos, horse owners in particular seemed very proud to show off.

There was this one guy who filmed, yes with actual film, two percheron horses mating… the camera must have been positioned somewhere near the stallions rear legs, looking upwards. You could clearly see how everything worked, it was a remarkable bit of footage, and must have been rather dangerous to film. But nobody else had dared do such a thing, and if they had, would it have ever been shown on TV? I began to realise how amazing the internet could be.

Eventually I had a mountain of photos and videos, and people wanted to see everything I had, so I started selling zip discs, which sold, and allowed me to buy a CD-R which I ran on my P-100 Packard-Bell.

The CDs sold so well that they paid for two new computers.

One of the guys from the ISP phoned me and I thought he was going to tell me off for being a perve and to please remove the page and not do it again. but he told me that Wildsex accounted for most of the ISPs visitors, and that he loved it like everyone else, and wanted me to continue.

We’re talking about a small, privately owned, apana network ISP.

A breeder over in the US sent me an artificial vagina for a bull and a condom for a horse. The AV was enormous, I still have it. I keep it beside my bed incase I get an intruder… If I ever have to use it, I hope I can view the police report.

“Intruder was hit on the head by a large rubber breeding device for bovines”.

Some of you may know that I like furry art, well a lot of artists had no real idea of how animals went about it or what animal genitals looked like and often got their art a bit wrong as a result, but now the artists had their models and adult furry art changed in a big way.

About two years later, The Powerhouse Museum in Sydney ran an exhibition called Wildsex which was all the same sort of stuff that was shown on my page, and then Channel Nine aired a documentary with the same name which was hosted by Don Burke, I got no credit for any of it.

After about three years, the steam ran out, people had copied my concept and those pages were getting more visitors than mine was now getting. and I was feeling a bit more creative and wanted to do something else.

I moved on, closed Wildsex for good, and then created an entirely new page which was popular in it’s own right, although much much tamer than my first effort… a Harry Potter Fanfic page, which is still there, untouched, as I find webpages tricky and time consuming to make, I’m happier sticking to my blogs, facebook and twitter now.

Interestingly, the entire time that Wildsex was available, I got one solitary complaint, that was all.


Parting of the ways

4 09 2010

I visited my Sister last Saturday, She was alert and was happy that I’d come to see her. We chatted about little things for an hour or so and I held her hand. It’s always been a pleasure to hold hands with my parents or Jan, we were close like that. Her hand was warm.

Due to a stroke a couple of days earlier, she had gone blind. She thought, and hoped that all it was, was a severe migraine, as she’d been having a few beauts in the last month or so, but the doctors felt that she’d been having mild strokes all along.

I was with my neighbour in his renovated garage yesterday, where he sleeps and uses his computer when I got a phonecall from my teary Grand-Niece, April, Who gave me the bad news that Jan had passed on.

I felt sorry for April, as Jan and her had been very close. I had memories of being a child, fearing that one or both of my parents might die, and felt somewhat lucky that I was grown up before I lost Dad, and it was another nine years before I’d lose my Mother.

Dad was in hospital with Cancer, He’d been a big bloke, as strong as an ox, and now skinny and weakened, with catheters and drips hanging into and from him, what the cancer had done to him was utterly awful. I had been in tears going in to see him… which had been difficult as my own health wasn’t the greatest either, It would be eight years before I found out why I felt the way I did.

When Dad passed away, I thought I’d cry, but I didn’t cry much… and I should be, shouldn’t I?

Someone suggested that perhaps I was mourning while Dad was sick, I’d cried it all out then and there was nothing left.

Years later I was dreaming that I was on a grassy hill, by a grave, and Danny Boy was playing, it was so strange that the words spoke to me like they did, it wasn’t a song that I liked all that much and certainly wouldn’t have been playing on my radio as I always had it set to a rock station.

The song, at least in my mind, was sung by a Father to his Son, the Father had died and was in his grave. He was hoping that his Son would go out and prosper in the World, but asked that now and then that his Son thinks of him and pays him a visit.

I saw the whole scene from above, as though it was filmed from a helicopter, it was beautiful, and it was then that I cried my hardest.

2005 was perhaps the worst.

My beautiful Malamute, Benny, had cancer, and I still remember him crying in agony, he couldn’t move anymore, and his cries sounded like “Oh no, Oh no, Oh no” they cut into my like a knife.

I held him as the vet gave him that final needle, I felt absolutely crushed, he was my baby, I cried for the next few weeks.

I’d discovered blood coming from my bottom, and that began my own battle which took the better part of that awful year.

Then in 2006, My Mum passed away, I think it was cancer. She’d lost a lot of weight and was so thin. I wanted her to see a doctor long before this, but she had always refused.

One day she went to have her ears checked at the place where she’d get her hearing aids adjusted, and I waited for her. When her doctor came out, he whispered to me that there was a tumor in her ear and that he was sorry… I didn’t quite catch, or expect that, I tried to get him to repeat himself, but al he said was “I’m Sorry”.

I told Mum, but again, she refused to see a GP.

Eventually I did get her to go, she had x-rays which came back showing something white in her lungs, her heart didn’t look the best either.

I got up very early on that final day, which was unusual.

Mum and I had tea and vegemite on toast, and later that Day we shared a pastie.

She had been laying on the couch a lot, and feeling useless. I knew the feeling after months of chemo, so I didn’t mind her pottering around if she felt that she had the energy for it.

Then she sat down on the couch next to me and watched her afternoon tv shows, I was on the other couch talking to a friend on Secondlife via my laptop.

Mum said “I feel really good” and asked “Do I look good?”.

The afternoon sun shone through her hair, and she did look good, and I told her that she did.

Then we both settled down.

After a few minutes, she told me that she couldn’t breathe, I called the ambulance, but it was much too late.

She died in front of me, I had tried to keep her alive, mucking through what I recalled of CPR, but it seemed that her lungs were full of fluid, there was nothing I could do.

She passed away in my arms, she was so light, it was hard to believe that this was Mum, and dead.

I didn’t cry, what had happened to my was monumental, the person who’d always been there was gone, it was like a huge stone wall was inches from my eyes. I had no real emotion, just a weird frazzled, lost sensation.

I did freak out a little bit, I remember that much, I felt that, although I had tried to save her, that somehow I’d killed her in failing, I felt horrible. I remember telling my sister that “I felt evil” it was the strangest thing.

Once in a while, I did cry a little for her, but not like I thought I should have, perhaps we watch too many movies and think we should behave like the actors on the screen, and perhaps that’s not really true to life at all.

After Jan died, I felt an odd sort of buzzing in my body, and an odd sort of relief that she’d passed. but no sadness, not really… except that another family member had been claimed by cancer, and that I really should have seen her more often in my lifetime.

Months could fly by when I wouldn’t see her, and when I did, it was almost always rushed, Jans life, like her kids, was always scheduled, everything had to be pre-planned and booked in, they never seemed to have any time, it was like that song by Cat Stevens about the boy who told his Dad “we’ll have a good time then” and there never was any time.

It was partially due to my Brother in Law, who was jealous and possessive, I was thinking of this bloke last night, he hated anyone else having fun, he’d rant at me to go out and get some sun when I was a kid, knowing full well that I liked to be inside with my music… when I got a bike and found that I liked it, he took it and hid it, I thought it had been stolen. He made up some excuse that I shouldn’t have left it where I did because someone might have stolen it, and that was a lesson… but he only took it because he was an arsehole, yes, I got it back.

My Nephew had a small trike, which had been given to him by Mum one year, He loved it, he loved it more than the toys his Dad bought him… so that was hidden once.

He did the same to my Niece and Grand-Niece too, Mum had bought an NDS for April, which she enjoyed just a bit too much, so that was hidden.

He hated family, if anyone went to visit, there were snide remarks.

I relented on going to their place at christmas anymore, deciding that staying home with my dog would be much better, so I did.

The next year Mum and Dad decided I was right, so we began going to a Pub for Christmas Lunch instead, the atmosphere was a lot better.

He wanted my Sister all to himself, and what upsets me was that Jan complied with him. I felt disgusted, it was as though the 60’s sexual revolution never happened, She was a 50’s housewife, stuck in the 21st century.

He chased friends away when they got too close too, nobody visited.

Well Andy, you kept Jan away from everyone, Now someone’s taken her from you, Have a pint of your own medicine, mate.

My prediction for you is a long and lonely fate in a nursing home with nobody around you, it’s all you deserve.